It’s probably not something you’d readily admit to. In my past relationships, I sure didn’t. I would never have come out and said “I’m more evolved than you”.
But if I’m honest with myself, it was definitely there:
“If only they would ___ [insert my expert solution to whatever I thought their issue was]”
“THEN our relationship would be better”
It’s the kind of thinking that caused the demise of more than one relationship.
And it’s the type of mindset that is common with people who have done some personal development work:
You have some breakthroughs and gain a bit of self awareness.
You develop some understanding of psychology and the deeper factors causing conflict.
Then, you feel confident psychoanalysing your partner and offering solutions to their problems.
Sure, you might be accurate about some of those perceptions.
And yeah – just like all of us, there probably IS a bunch of stuff they need to work on.
But if you think that’s all there is to it…
If you think you’re right and ‘you know best’…
Or if you secretly think you’re more evolved than your partner,…
This insidious mindset will absolutely prevent you from having a healthy, thriving relationship.
And it perpetuates the conflict you think you’re better than.
Because focusing on what you think their problem is, is a MASSIVE blind-spot for most people in relationships.
And a huge cop-out.
What’s really happening here is the spiritualising of blame:
The “I’ve done so much ‘work’ that it can’t possibly be my ‘stuff’ contributing to this situation” mentality.
You’ll never find a resolution as long as one person is being blamed for the problem.
It just doesn’t work that way. Because in every relationship conflict, challenge or disagreement, there are always two people creating it.
So the question is: what about you?
Where are you in this?
What do you need to acknowledge and own?
When you take the focus off them, and put it on yourself, what’s there?
Make no mistake – there WILL be SOMETHING. And the more you think it’s them, the more you’ll need to look at yourself.
Guaranteed that’s going to be hard.
Because it’s fucking scary owning our shit:
What if you don’t like what you see?
And what if you do face yourself, own what’s yours, and they STILL can’t meet you?
That’s the vulnerability of relationships. That’s the terrifying reality of blindly putting yourself and your heart on the line. You can never really know if they’ll be there when you open your eyes.
But someone’s gotta go first.
Someone has to put down their weapons and take off the armour. Someone has to be willing to face the uncomfortable truth about themselves.
If you’re always insisting it be the other person, you fail.
If you’re always keeping score of ‘who’s going first’, you’ve also failed.
Relationship continually asks us to rise above and be our best self.
Even when your partner won’t.
ESPECIALLY when your partner won’t.
Instead of your confronting your partner, confront yourself first. This allows them the space to do the same. Because no one evolves by being hassled or blamed or made to feel like they’re wrong. You can’t shame your partner in to being a better person. You can try, but they’ll only end up resenting you.
The cruel paradox of relationship is that you have to let go of your partner in order to grow.
Because it’s the continual confronting of yourself that evolves your relationship, and what will ultimately lead to the deepest, most profound connection between you.
This is exactly the kind of spectacularly courageous intimacy we’re helping couples create in our Rockstar Relationship program.
It’s not easy. But creating something of real value rarely is.
If you know you need help seeing your blind-spots and getting unstuck,.. If you know you need support to step up and create a relationship that ROCKS, we’ve got your back.
To find out more about Rockstar Relationship, and how it might help you, click here to schedule a time to chat. If you think you’re more evolved than your partner, it’s time to start evolving your relationship instead.
Hey, I’m Reece – for the past 5 years I’ve been helping men build healthy relationships, have deeply connected sex, and create lives that fucking rock.
Click here to apply for a free, no-obligation 90-minute online coaching call to discover how I can best support you.