It’s one of the most common stories we hear from people in relationships:
“I don’t know what happens. I get into a relationship, and I just kinda… lose myself.”
Yep. Us humans are real good at prioritising ourselves when we’re single. We put our own needs first, our heart first, our PASSION first.
But then a lover comes along and ‘steals’ the spotlight.
I say ‘steal’, but in reality it’s an attention we give freely.
We’re happy to give them our all. To pour love and attention into them and the relationship. At least for a while.
But as time passes you look around and notice:
Your passion project sits half finished at the back of the cupboard.
You haven’t seen your besties in months (That regular catch-up you had going has stopped, or worse – just rolled on without you).
You don’t feel like you anymore. You’ve kinda lost that sparkle. That YOU-ness.
I know this all too well. This was my go-to pattern in relationships. Rock ‘me’ for a while, then quickly lose myself in whatever relationship I was head-over-heels in.
Which was worrying, considering I was pretty much in back-to-back relationships from the age of 16.
So when I finally paused to look around 8 years later, it wasn’t just a few months or a couple of years that I’d been losing myself for – it was almost an entire DECADE.
(Click here to read about the complete breakdown that caused me. We’re talking full on personal meltdown.)
WARNING: Proximity Alert!
Now don’t get me wrong – of course I was still ME. (Just like you’re still YOU – 100% you).
But I didn’t know how to do ME in close proximity to a lover. We just kinda… blended. And as you’ve probably worked out all on your own – ‘blending’ ain’t healthy.
But here’s the thing:
You don’t have to choose between one or the other.
You don’t have to lose your relationship to find yourself.
And you don’t have to give up your passions to make your love life work.
Here’s what you’ve really got to figure out: how to differentiate.
Figure out how to be YOU, in close proximity to your lover. To know where you end and they begin. And how the two of you play together – as seperate, unique INDIVIDUALS.
You gotta know how to stand strong in your power – and how to share that power openly with your partner.
You need to know how to bend and collaborate and work together, sure. But you also need to know how to keep your boundaries and your sense of self. How to make time for your passion and soul.
Whether that’s BFF Friday night dinners, poetry slams, your growing business, your children, or your Sunday morning alone time – you’ve got to keep rocking you.
Have your cake
Here’s how my old crappy relationship patterns changed:
I started making time for friends again. Because tribe matters.
I got clear on my passions, and I started putting them first. #lifegoals
I learned how to be comfortable with disagreement and even letting other’s down, so that I could finally honour my own truth.
And I stopped relying on my relationship to feel worthy.
(Ironically, that’s when Reece showed up in my life, and I discovered a whole new, more fulfilling way of doing relationship. Go figure 😉
These are the skills of making love last a lifetime. Of traversing the ups and downs, the peaks and valleys. The inevitable disappointments and challenges of life and love.
Yes, it takes some deep inner work. ‘Cause no one is born doing this well. But it IS a muscle. Which means you can strengthen it. And that’s good news.
So don’t force yourself into an impossible choice. You don’t have to choose between your relationship or your life. Love or your passions.
You get to choose both.
Them AND you. You AND your relationship.
Want to learn exactly what differentiation means, and how to do it? To not lose yourself in a relationship? How you can feel STRONG in who you are, while still feeling LOVED UP and 100% IN your relationship?
Click here to book in a time to chat.
Hi, I’m Jodie - a life, love, and sexual empowerment coach. I work with women and couples to help them create the lives, love, and sex they’ve always wanted. More love, more passion, more pleasure, and more fulfilment.
Apply for a complimentary 1:1 coaching session here.