But if you’re anything like me, you might’ve felt a little disappointed by the results.
Sure, there’s loads of tips, tricks, and techniques:
You’ll get some ideas about different positions to try, or new ways to pleasure your partner.
That stuff can help. But let’s be honest here, it’s also a little… superficial.
Because when it comes to the deeper psychology of how to have more intimate and connected sex, there’s unfortunately not a whole lot of helpful info.
So to get a more complete understanding of how men can get better in bed, I asked 11 women for their best sex tips for men.
Just like our companion piece – 23 Awesome Life Hacks For Men, the intention here is not to tell you that “you’re doing it wrong”. Or to impose a bunch of ridiculous standards to live up to.
But to deconstruct the unhelpful myths about masculinity and men’s sexuality that get in the way. To offer support and encouragement if you’re a man wanting to be a better lover and have more meaningful sex.
So with that in mind, let’s get in to these 11 unique sex tips for men…
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #1
What Really Turns Most Women On
Yeah, all that “to attract a woman you have to prove that you’re desired by other women because evolutionary psychology” stuff?
Big Nope. Here’s why:
1) Women are not impressed by the things most men think they will be impressed by.
Fast cars, fancy watches, terrifying muscle mass, and a harem of past conquests may seem like the Golden Formula for attracting women.
“She’s got to be impressed by my money, possessions, and physical prowess!”
And sure, some women are (or pretend to be) to get access to that money.
But most aren’t. Most women are much more impressed by presence and integrity than expensive presents and six-pack abs.
2) Many women are actively turned on by the idea of a sexually inexperienced man.
Because many men who consider themselves vastly experienced also believe themselves to be Experts in Sexually Pleasing Women. They have their moves, their routine, and their posturing down… regardless of what this particular woman wants.
Often, a big part of their identity is tied up in being “good” at this “skill”.
3) Good sex is not about DOING.
It’s about BEING.
Good sex isn’t determined by the positions, moves, acts, or routines. It isn’t a formula.
It’s the energy between lovers:
It’s your heart hammering, her breath coming in gasps, both of you moving by instinct, like wild animals. Out of your minds – not stuck in your mind, over thinking things – like which of your fancy moves to use next.
Being lost in the moment requires being in the moment. Showing up to the moment, without a map, with an open mind and an open heart, ready for an adventure.
THAT’S what we really want!
Hi! I’m Kathryn Hogan. I’m a Mindfulness and Wellness Coach and Author, providing the tools you need to build your Big Life.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #2
Give More Than Just Your Dick
The best sex tip for men to enhance your masculinity and get better in bed is to deepen your ability to GIVE.
Not only of your penis, but of your time, attention, money, mind, and spirit.
Erase any trace of your scarcity mentality and train your ability to give unconditionally to your woman, your children, your tribe.
You know you’ve grow into a man as the fear of ‘giving too much to a woman and not being reciprocated’ leaves you.
- When the idea “if things don’t go as planned with her, everything I gave her is LOST” disappears.
- When her not offering to pay for her dinner when you ask her out, doesn’t freak you out.
- When you don’t cling to the idea that men and women are equal and instead, demand from yourself to give your woman more than she’d ever expect from you, because you are truly resourceful.
Because you are able to protect her and provide for her, not only on a physical level, but also on an emotional and spiritual level – and you totally own that.
As a mature man, refuse to ever consider yourself a victim – in either intimate relationships or social circumstances – and take back your power by reconnecting to your resourcefulness.
Practice giving. Give give give, until it becomes second nature.
Give freely, give happily. Give generously.
Give because you CAN.
Have the wisdom to generously give more than just your dick.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #3
Stop Trying To Please Her
If you want the respect of a woman, tell her the truth even if you don’t think she’ll like it.
If she knows you tell her the truth, she can trust you. If she can’t trust you, she can’t surrender to you. In bed or out.
I’m not saying be an insensitive jerk when you speak that truth. You can tell the truth with kindness and compassion.
Because we love it when:
- You’re in touch with yourself.
- You know what you need, want, desire. (And what you don’t).
- You’re solid and can express your truth directly with love.
If you abandon your truth (whether you’re trying to make her happy or you’re trying to avoid a fight) you’re doing you, her, and the relationship a devastating disservice.
I’m not kidding. Your truth is that important.
Trying to please her (when it’s not your truth) might get you an instantaneous smile in the moment. But in the long run, it breeds resentment and zaps sexual chemistry.
If you don’t clearly know your needs, wants, desires, and boundaries, or you aren’t able to express them, it’s critical that you figure that out.
This means you so love being you… you’re so comfortable and confident being you… that you’ll never sell yourself out, or settle for anybody or anything ever again.
When you show up powerfully and confidently as you – the real you, the right woman will be putty in your hands!
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #4
Tell The Story Of Your Cock
Have you ever considered that your cock has a story?
Has anyone ever asked?
Have you ever reflected on the journey you and your cock have been on, and has anyone ever listened?
Consider the impact and influence this body part has had on your self-esteem, life choices, relationships, and identity. Be it shameful, glorious, pleasurable, painful, confusing, and everything in between.
Whatever your story… whatever you truth… it is valid. And it matters.
Although we are bombarded with explicit erotic exposure, these conversations remain largely in the dark and hidden in shadows.
What kind of damage does it cause by keeping these sacred and precious experiences locked away?
What benefits may lie ahead when we reveal and share the stories of our cocks?
Perhaps in doing so we can begin unwinding the pigeon-holed and myopic male sexual expression.
So take some time to bring curiosity and exploration towards the path of your cock and your sexuality:
- What messages were you taught growing up?
- What was it like the first time you ejaculated?
- Where do you feel pride regarding your genitals?
- What’s the worst path your cock has taken you down?
- What does your cock want your lovers to know?
If you’re ready for the next level…
Find a man you trust, ask him about his journey and share yours. Open to the possibility of experiencing liberation through this process.
This is bold.
This is revolutionary.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #5
Bring Her Your Desire
It’s challenging some days to approach your partner for sex.
The dismissive narrative of “men only want sex” rings in your ears. The fear of rejection can be crippling.
The times your partner has pushed you away or been too busy leave a sting. And so the capacity to keep approaching her diminishes.
You can pretend that sex is not that important; making yourself and your desire smaller.
But it’s a big part of how you feel her, love her, and connect.
You feel hungry and apologetic about your sexual desires. However, being needy and hungry results in less sex. More rejection.
Working with men for many years, I have heard this story over and over. Many men are afraid of being knocked back so approaching us becomes ineffectual.
However, women are innately feeling beings – we need something to respond to. If you dislike the current response to your approach, maybe it’s time to try something different.
Women respond to your sexual aliveness. We respond to feeling your sexual fire.
That sexual fire is most potent when it’s claimed and owned authentically within your body.
When you are alive with the force that moves you – it will move her.
Claiming your sexual fire starts with making your cock your best friend. Breathe into your cock – stimulate and connect with the depth of desire and sensation within you.
Forget porn and fantasy, feel the sensations in your cock and how that flows through your body. What lives inside of you is far more potent than the images in your head.
Being connected to your cock in this way means that you approach her full of your potency and it takes the edge off any neediness. The power in your desire without need creates trust and safety for a woman. It feels safe for her to unravel.
Approach her from a place of seeing her in wholeness. The stories in your head project fantasy or expectation onto her. You are much more trustable when you aren’t grabbing or rushing ahead.
Simply breathing into the power of your body, this moment and your desire. Allowing connection to arise organically between you because she feels you buzzing with aliveness, and she wants to open and move towards that.
Let her feel your power and potency. The part of you that wants to penetrate to the core of her, let her feel that – all of that.
Women love feeling your desire. That is what we respond to. Unapologetic desire without fantasy, projection or expectation.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #6
Choose Reality Over Fantasy
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of fantasy and sexual play.
But a fantasy life where, instead of meeting people and situations head on, you:
- Pretend you’ve got it all together
- Avoid asking questions (because you think you should already know)
- Make choices based on what you think you SHOULD think, feel, and want (versus what you actually DO think, feel, and want)
…will NOT be fulfilling.
It’s like standing at a buffet full of amazing food… and starving. Or standing in front of a beautiful, powerful woman, maybe even having sex with her, but it’s empty.
Your needs aren’t met, the pleasure is mediocre, and you don’t get to feel loved, for real.
So what’s the difference between fantasy and reality?
Fantasy is keeping things nice, neat, and pretty. It’s avoiding the ‘grit’ to try to keep the ‘goodies’.
Call me crazy, but some of the best sex I’ve had was with tears streaming down my face, or beating on a man’s chest with anger.
Because reality is messy, honest, raw, and often scary.
It can seem like great sex in a relationship is created by focusing on sex itself. But more often it’s created when the hurt, mistrust, frustration, unacknowledged desires, and lack of attraction are finally admitted and discussed.
It can seem like a woman will be more attracted to you if you prove your power and worth. But she’s more likely to want you when she finds that in addition to your strength, you’re human and can be vulnerable.
When you’re willing to go into the fire of reality (with the right tools and attitudes), the love and sex you’ll experience gets hotter, more intimate, and more exciting than you can likely imagine.
So the next time you’re tempted to bypass the reality in front of you, and choose what seems pretty over what’s real, think again.
When you move towards the raw truth (rather than attempting to create a fantasy) you’ll find a realm of profound love and soul-shaking sexual experience most people never get to experience.
Shana James works with men who are serious about having a powerful impact by day and earth-shaking love-making by night.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #7
Work Through Your Shit With Women
There are some things that paralyze almost all men.
And re-patterning this root-level trauma simultaneously serves your woman, your children, and yourself.
Women (who have higher estrogen levels than men) are often emotional beings… add in some Anxious Attachment* (which can display as attacking/blaming our partners)… sprinkle with some primal unconscious fear that we are ‘too much’ and will never be ‘met’…
And our emotions sometimes overwhelm even us.
And spill onto you.
Mom’s emotions probably overwhelmed her too. And you, as a Little Boy. And Little Boy fought, withdrew, collapsed, or froze.
Maybe Dad didn’t know how to help regulate Mom’s emotional state. Or simply wasn’t at home to do so.
And without support, Little Boy experienced trauma.
So as an adult, guess what happens when Girlfriend gets angry? Or blaming? Or super emotional?
Man (who still has Little Boy inside him) relives the trauma, has a Post Traumatic Stress reaction, and loses his centre. He gets disoriented. Foggy.
Sadly, this triggers Girlfriend more. She doesn’t know about Little Boy.
To hack the root of your masculinity with women, find out EXACTLY what triggers you.
- Her posture?
- Her specific words?
- Her tone of voice?
Put your hands on your chest and belly (stimulating the vagus nerve) to calm down your nervous system.
Tell yourself “I am not going to die.”
Give compassion to Little Boy who’s had to do this alone WAY too many times. Don’t proceed until he gets that you are with him.
Recognise that Girlfriend is more like Little Girl right now, and she might never have had loving containment (holding when she was agitated).
When you can, lean in towards her and say:
“I’m listening. I hear you’re upset. I care about you. Thank you for telling me.”
Practice. Train yourself to move toward her through your freeze. Repetition is key.
The goal is to heal you.
Because healthy masculinity is secure attachment.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #8
Integrity Is Sexy
Remember this guys: a good woman requires integrity from her man.
It’s the state of being “whole” or “undiminished”.
Therefore your words and actions must reflect each other. Which means you “walk your talk.” That you only promise what you can deliver.
Integrity also means that you know who you are and that you have self-respect. You know what you believe in and what you stand for.
And you stick with it. No matter how strong her feelings might call for something different.
Please don’t exchange your personal value for our approval. You may think she’ll hate you for it but if she does, it will only be for a second. What follows is pure admiration.
DON’T be a rigid asshole about it, but DO have principles you live by.
Keeping integrity with yourself means you have a personal code. A code which will not allow you to be walked over or mistreated.
This code doesn’t buckle for anyone (including her). THAT is sexy.
We may never tell you this but here’s how we see it: if you don’t have the strength and integrity to stand up for yourself and stand up to us, how can you possibly stand up to the world on our behalf?
This is about having healthy boundaries. Trust me, women want you to have them. We won’t feel safe unless you do.
If we cross your boundaries, it’s okay to confront us (without ego or scorn please).
Women will respect you all the more for it. Because in the end we’ll know we can count on you.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #9
Penetrate Her Three Ways
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #10
Mindfuck Your Woman
A woman’s sexuality is like a slow-simmering cauldron:
She needs you to turn up the heat to bring her to a boil.
We take longer to warm up. And we need more sustaining stimulation.
While you might be more visually stimulated, a woman is more auditory. We respond to words.
Most women have a rich fantasy life which they rarely let you know about. But don’t be afraid to explore this with her. Make it safe for her to tell you what she wants.
You are the guide. Take her on a journey. The journey is the love you make to her. How you caress her skin and allow her to feel every shiver of ecstasy.
Tell her how much you can’t wait to fuck her. Tell her how beautiful she looks when you are fucking her.
Bring in sexy scripts describing sex acts you have never done with her. Feel into her response to being tied up, filled completely, held down and taken.
If she starts to purr, moan, writhe, giggle, and sigh you are on the right track.
If you don’t know where to start just describe what you see – what is sexy about her, how she responds to touch, the beauty of her curves, the sensuality of her body.
Get into her mind and she will let you into her body and soul.
get better in bed Sex Tips For Men #11
Self-Esteem: The Hottest Aphrodisiac
Genuine self-confidence is the sexiest… of ALL the sexy attributes that women look for in a man.
Sexier than 6 packs, sexier than pretty boy looks or bad boy swagger.
If you’re walking around with low self-esteem no amount of smooth lines, Calvin Klein cologne, or cheeky smiles is going to attract the woman of your dreams.
She will smell the inauthenticity.
Some say that the attainment of self-confidence arises from proving competence to yourself – acquiring a series of wins. There is certainly truth in that. But it’s not the whole story.
In my book, true confidence can only stem from self-love. This is accessible to anyone, irrespective of competence or so-called ‘success’.
This is a confidence that comes from the inside out and shines out of you as an expression of carefree realness. It’s refreshing and it calls forth trust and yes, attraction.
Haven’t you noticed that you are at your most charismatic when you don’t really care what anyone thinks of you?
Yeah, like two minutes before she walked in the room. You were funny and intelligently compelling.
Then she appeared and you constrain yourself, worried that something dumb will escape your lips.
So let me break it down to get you started on your genuine confidence quest:
1. Bring your shames into the light:
Pay close attention to everything you:
Hide from others
Reject about yourself
Think you should or shouldn’t be saying, doing, or thinking
Haven’t forgiven yourself for
This is the stuff that is holding you back.
2. Make a point of embracing each one of your shames:
You are who you are. You’ve done what you’ve done. And if you are anything like 100% of the population you’ll probably make a ‘mistake’ again tomorrow.
When you embrace your shames you have nothing to hide. The need to contain yourself tightly and cautiously leaves you, and you are free to be your true self.
For extra points get out and be vulnerable – share your shames with others, then you know you’re really making headway.
3. Set strong, self-loving boundaries:
Confident people don’t apologise for having standards for what they will and will not allow into their lives.
These standards honour their needs and heartfelt desires.
4. Drop the ‘take it like a man’ , ‘be the man’, show up ‘like a man’ attitude:
A genuinely confident man has nothing to prove.
If you want to cry, then cry.
If it’s funny, have a laugh.
If the music makes you want to dance, go for it.
Notice all the rules you have about how a man should be and challenge yourself to move beyond them.
What if you had permission to express your power, your dynamism, your sexuality, and your vulnerability?
No matter who you are, I don’t think there’s anyone out there that wouldn’t benefit from a self-confidence overhaul.
And yeah, women will feel it. Maybe they’ll say “There’s something different about you, did you get a hair cut? Loose some weight? You look great!”
And if they don’t, it doesn’t really matter as you’ll be having too much fun being you.
Hey, I’m Reece – I help men build healthy relationships, feel sexually confident, and create lives that fucking rock.
Want some of that? Click here to apply for a free, no-obligation 90-minute online coaching call.